A Keagen Kind of Day

It's been over two years since Keagen passed away and there are still some days when I just think about him a lot. Maybe it's because it's September (Childhood Cancer Awareness Month). Maybe it's because a certain song comes on the radio--there are so many that remind me of him--today it was the line from When I Die Young that goes, "Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother. She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under its colors..." I'm not sure what it is on any given day, but some days I just spend a car ride somewhere thinking about my sweet nephew and missing him.

It's been over two years and still the details are so clear to me. I can still remember how I felt that night and the next day and the days that followed. I can almost feel the way my body ached from the inside-out. I remember it all...
I remember the phone call that night and the frantic dressing.
I remember driving with Mom and Grams--all of us hoping it was going to be a "wasted" trip.
I remember arriving in the family room at the hospital and seeing Laura and the family and friends that were gathered.
I remember Laura starting to tell us what she knew when the doctor came in.
I remember his words that broke our hearts and the sound of the sobs in the room.
I remember the first time that I saw Keagen that night. When I really knew that this was the night he'd become an angel.
I remember how I felt standing next to my sister and feeling her agony over the decision she had to make.
I remember seeing Keagen all wrapped up like a burrito in mom and dad's arms.
I remember rubbing his head when we left the hospital and saying "see you on the flip side, buddy."
I remember driving back to Laura's. Each of us in her livingroom not sure what to do next.
I remember crawling into bed and waking up with my alarm to call in to work.
I remember my friend Meagon calling to see if it was Keagen. If he was why I wasn't at work.
I remember sitting in the funeral home and looking at the pictures of the little tiny caskets. Thinking how silly the blue and pink ruffly ones looked.
I remember the wake and being so happy to have a few more minutes to rub his little bald head and tell him how much I loved him.
I remember the service and my heart breaking when they closed the casket--handing Heidi off to Emily because I was sobbing.

There are a lot of things that I don't remember too. I don't remember if Heidi went to daycare the next day and how she got there and who picked her up. I don't remember eating lunch or dinner on any of the days that followed. I don't remember what I wore to the wake or the funeral (I do remember what Keagen wore, though).

But most of the memories are still crystal clear. And on days like today, I relive them all and I miss my sweet nephew so much.