Vocabulary

Bad things do come in three's. In our family, unforuntately, it's been three babies. First we lost our beloved Keagen in April. Then at the beginning of August, Adam and Jessica's baby passed away during childbirth. And now Baby Bee has gone to join his cousins.

I wish there was a different way to talk about it. My mistake in telling everyone is that now everyone knows. Just today a colleague says "so I heard you're expecting!" and I had to say "well, sort of, not really...."

I don't like to say that I had a miscarriage. To me the prefix "mis" means "wrong." As in, we had a misunderstanding (I understood you wrong). It was just a big miscommunication (We communicated wrong). That name is really a misnomer (the name is wrong). It was a terrible misuse of the object (She used it wrong). I even looked up mis- in the dictionary and it says: a prefix applied to various parts of speech, meaning “ill,” “mistaken,” “wrong,” “wrongly,” “incorrectly." So what did I do wrong in carrying my baby? I didn't carry him wrong, I held my hand around my tummy, I walked at a gentle pace. I didn't drink or smoke or bungee jump. So why must I tell everyone that I "miscarried" my baby?

I don't really like the term "lost" either. I didn't lose my baby like I lose my car keys or the left shoe or the remote. I knew where he was the whole time, I just couldn't convince him to stay.

I wish I could have.

Yes, Baby Bee, you were a surprise, unexpected, earlier than we planned. But you were oh so very loved and you are so very missed. I didn't miscarry you or lose you, I simply held you for a little while and then I let you go.