Life and the unfairness of it...

Reading the posts below you'd know that my sweet nephew Keagen is battling neuroblastoma, an aggressive childhood cancer. Today was a really bad day, pretty much the worst so far and it just leaves me so damn mad! I just want to punch something or scream at the top of my lungs or cry until there are no more tears left. It's just so cruel! Of all of the people in the world, why does it have to pick my sweet nephew. Not even 2 years old. His mommy's baby boy. Twin brother to his spirited sister, Kaileigh. Baby brother to the loud and rambunctious Triston and Seth. When we first found out, basically the 2 days of constant crying, my grams said something to the effect of "the cancer always gets our family, but at least it's stayed away from our little ones..." until now, of course. Cancer is a cruel enough disease when you're old enough to understand it, to research it, to say your own prayers and understand that all the pain is for a reason. Can you imagine being 2 years old and having no idea why you felt okay when you went to the hospital and now you are sick and in pain almost all of the time? Why just when you start feeling better you have to go back to the hospital and get the tubes hooked back up and then start feeling worse again?

I think the unpredictability of it is the worst. We never know. We never know how Keagen will react to the drugs, if the tumor is shrinking, if he's going to spike a fever in the middle of the night or have a reaction to one of his medicines. We never know if he's getting better or getting worse. And he's too little to tell us where it hurts and how badly. I just can't imagine being my sister and having to go through all of this that she's had to go through. It's just another unfairness of it all though. Unfair that a mama should have to give her baby shots in the leg to help with a blood clot and tear tape off his sensitive little chest to clean the area around his Hickman and rebandage. It's unfair that any mama should have to know that her little baby has to get so so sick before he can get better and that she has to be strong for her 3 other babies along the way.

And in my own selfish way, it's unfair that it makes me terrified everytime my daughter cries out that maybe she is in pain or sick and I just don't know it and won't know it until it's too late.

I hate not knowing. I hate the uncertainty of the cancer, the unpredictability. I hate looking for the silver lining and being positive all the time when sometimes I'm just so damn mad. And most of all, I hate thinking that he might not make it and how damn unfair that is.